My Plans for December 21, 2012

Lately, there's been several internet postings from people announcing their plans for December 21, 2012.  Peter Gersten (whoever that is) has announced he's going to jump off a large rock.  What is he waiting for?  If he believes it will be the end of the world then why doesn't he just get an early jump?  If this guy really wants a good news story then why not just purchase an airline ticket and take a flying leap!

I remember about 20 or 25 years ago when I first came to Vegas.  This guy wanted to jump off a tall building and my coworkers happened across it.  I'm not sure of the location.  One of my coworkers got some chalk and drew a circle on the pavement while their buddies tried to encouage this guy to take a dive.  I guess this guy finally realized that people wanted him dead and maybe that made him want to live.  I don't know.  It's a crazy incident I know.  So my message for Peter is:  "Jump, Peter Jump!  What are you waiting for?  Peter, you can jump to conclusions about December 2012, so how about another leap?  Don't worry Peter, I've got you covered on this Quantum Physics thing that I've been learning.  See reality isn't real so you will simply pass through the rock and not feel a thing.  Trust me, it's science!"

So, here's my plans that will be announced to the world soon!  I was told to always have a backup plan so I've included one.

PLAN A:  Wake up with three very beautiful women.  The odds appear to be against this plan.  One, I'm not getting any younger and my name isn't Hugh Hefner.  Who knows?  Maybe a couple of dumb blonds will buy the fabrication that I'm Paul Hefer--Hugh's son.  Yea right!  Two, money might be a problem.  So, if you wish to contribute to this plan I'll take checks, cash or whatever.  Or if you would just like to be in on the lie then let me know.  Actors are auditioning for the event.  If only I could find an actor who is capable of memorizing a few lines.  Just look at your contribution as a donation to prevent world castasophe--a noble cause indeed!

PLAN B:  This plan might be more likely.  I'll wake up wondering why the heck this planet is still here and disappointed that all the movies and books about 2012 are false.  My day might start like this.  I look in the mirror and say "ShXX! just another day.  Next the phone rings and I get cursed out by some woman from a previous relationship and I wonder why she just can't drop the argument after 25 years.  Next, I get a call from the Front Office telling me my power and water will be out for only a few days and for me not to worry and by the way they also mention that some "informant" has been complaining about my dog pooping in the yard.  Well, I try to explain that dogs don't use toilets but that's beyond their ability to comprehend.  So I take out a coloring book with pictures in an attempt to get my point across to them.  It's of no use so I try sign language and that doesn't work.  Then I discover caveman grunting seems to do the trick, but only if I start scratching underneath my arms as I swing from a tree.

And you might wonder why some people fear the end of the earth.  Hell, with days like this, I might look forward to the end of the earth.  I could see myself standing in the front yard shouting (as I am unable to sing) "Glory,Glory Halelula" during the earthquake as tall flames surround me and I hear screams for help all around me.  You never know I might even get encouraged to break into a little "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" song with a little Led Zeppelin twist to it.  At least this would appear better than jumping off a rock!  If you plan on going out then don't go out on a rock but go out like a rock star!

My friends don't worry, for the end is surely near!

Cheers

Paul