FIDE Anti-Doping Regulations

When I want good comedy I go to the FIDE site. Here's the latest in their unending humor: http://www.fide.com/component/content/article/1-fide-news/4397-new-fide-anti-doping-regulations.html

Thank God FIDE is tackling an area that has become such a huge problem and threatens the integrity of our great game.

Although I have a hard time proving this, I've lost many games to opponents using performance-enhancing drugs. Shortly before one game, I observed my opponent leap over his chair. I knew I was "toast" after this happened as I could not match his long-range moves. One of the signs I previously observed was the recent increase in my opponenets whose craniums had greatly increased in size, clearly an indicator of chess-performance enhancing drug use.

Next, I hope FIDE will work to clean up drug use on internet chess sites.

Its about time something was done about this growing problem. I believe FIDE can take the next step by placing an asterick next to member's name indicating drug user. FIDE could also create substance abuse tournaments for addicts. One suggestion would be: Substance Abuse Chess 960/Chess Boxing Tournaments with a minimum of ten alcoholic beverages consumed before move 40. After move forty the game could transition to chess boxing and the winner is the one with the highest blood alcohol level or last man standing.

Soon, we might see Tournament Directors doing field sobriety tests on players suspected of drug use. A proposed test might be: (1) Asking the player to line the pieces in a straight row (2) Asking who moves first--Black or White? (3) count the squares on the chessboard backwards (3) Make a move with his two feet together--a difficult task indeed if wasted (4) Make a move, turn and walk back to the board (5) touching the nose as making a move (5) as standing with feet together, lean head back and one arm back while making the move over the board.

Thanks FIDE for doing such a great job! Together we can eliminate these Hulkaberry Hucksters from our game. So, if you suspect your opponent of such indiscretions, immediatly report him or her to the Tournament Director.

(NOTE: FIDE will soon come out with regulations against obese chess players. It's about time.)

Cheers

Paul